How To Discipline A Toddler Without Hitting Or Yelling

These Quick Tips Will Help You Discipline Your Toddler Without Hitting Or Yelling

If you’re like me, you yell when you lose your cool or because you feel like it’s the only way to get your child to listen. And you hit (or spank or pop, or whatever term you use) because that’s how your parents raised you, so it’s what you know. At this point, you’ve probably realized that the discipline methods you’ve used so far aren’t working and you’re looking for tips on how to discipline your toddler without hitting or yelling.

If you’re hoping to hear from the experts, scroll down to the bottom! I’ve listed some of my favorite books, podcasts, and other resources to help you with your journey. And if you’re reading this because you want to hear real life experiences and advice from a Mom just like you who’s currently raising a toddler, let’s dig in!

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Are Yelling And Hitting That Bad?

If this is the first search you’ve conducted for resources and help with how to discipline your toddler without hitting or yelling, you’re probably wondering if doing those things are really that harmful. In short, yes. Besides the fact that those methods don’t work long-term, they can encourage aggression in children, they do nothing to actually teach the child why their behavior needs to be corrected, and, over time, they can slowly erode at the relationship you have with your child. (Check out this New York Times article on spanking for more info on why that’s the case).

When I had my oldest, I noticed this firsthand when I would pop her when she did something wrong. She started hitting me when she got frustrated or upset with something, and I realized I was basically teaching her that hitting is how we express ourselves when we’re upset! She didn’t understand that I was hitting to try to correct the behavior; all she knew was that Mommy gets upset and hits me, so that’s what I should do when I get upset. Talk about an eye-opener. (By the way, in case you’re wondering if yelling is less harmful psychologically then hitting, here’s a great article that shows how both methods are equally harmful).

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What Is Conscious Parenting?

Realizing that yelling when I was upset and hitting my child to correct her behavior was not working was the first step in “upping my parenting game”, so to speak. The next step was discovering and then researching the concept of conscious parenting. What exactly is conscious parenting? Essentially, it’s a focus on our behavior and reactions as parents, rather than the behavior of our children. As the parent, the only behavior we can truly control is our own, so we examine our egos and expectations when it comes to child behavior before turning the focus on our children.

That’s a bit of a mouthful, right? For me, conscious parenting is about understanding the mental limitations of my babies (especially at the toddler stage) and adjusting my thinking surrounding their behavior. They are intelligent children who have their own thoughts, desires, and needs, but, especially as toddlers, they have little to no impulse control. And they need help regulating their emotions, especially the BIG ones like anger, frustration, and sadness.

The best way I can explain it is conscious parenting is a total shift in mindset when it comes to raising your children. Instead of authoritarian figures where “What I say goes, no questions asked”, I think of myself and my husband more as guides for our children who teach through respect, understanding, and modeling desired behavior.

When you think about it, toddlers really haven’t been on this Earth that long! My oldest is four, turning five this February. Honestly, there are relationships where the partners don’t know everything there is to know about each other four years in. So, I understand that I’m still learning her personality and her triggers, and she’s still learning mine. When you pair that with the knowledge that most of their behavior is age-appropriate and not always controllable, you tend to have a little more understanding and empathy for what toddlers and children are dealing with as they learn more and more about their world.

For me, understanding where my babies are coming from (even when they’re screaming NO! at the top of their lungs or not listening when I’ve asked them to do something) helps me to move out of frustration and into a connection mindset before correcting the behavior. I have found that, in most situations, when I prioritize connecting with them on their level, the correction part comes much easier.

Intrigued by the concept of conscious parenting? Take a listen below to my latest TRIBE Culture LIFE episode, where my guest, Yolanda Williams, and I do a deep dive into what it means to be a conscious parent and she shares her tips on how to discipline your toddler without hitting or yelling. Make sure to scroll to the end of this article for some amazing resources for both beginner and veteran conscious parents!

The Biggest Misconception With Conscious Parenting

Okay, yelling and hitting don’t work. Now, what? When I first began my conscious parenting journey, my biggest priority was figuring out what to do instead of yelling. I think the biggest misconception about conscious parenting is that it’s actually permissive parenting with a fancier name. It’s definitely not. As any conscious parent will tell you, our kids have boundaries and rules that we expect them to follow. There are consequences for breaking those rules (here’s more info on natural and logical consequences). For us, the difference is those consequences don’t involve yelling or hitting. So, what do you do instead of yelling or hitting? Here’s what works for us:

What Can I Do Instead Of Yelling At My Toddler?

• Connection Before Correction: I’ve repeated this phrase so often, it’s become my mantra. It’s especially helpful when my kids are dealing with really big emotions. If they’re throwing a tantrum I’ll ask “What’s going on? Are you feeling ” insert big emotion here”? and give them a chance to express themselves and feel heard.
• De-Escalation: With my oldest two, I’ve learned how to help them calm down when they’re freaking out and de-escalate the situation. My oldest sometimes needs a few minutes to cry or sit quietly on her own and then she always likes to explain her side of the story and feel heard. At two, my middle baby usually just needs some form of physical contact so we hug or cuddle until she calms down.
• Take A Minute: I do this often. When I find myself getting irritated or upset with my kids, I take a minute to myself (go to the bathroom, ask Dad to step in, whatever works!) and calm down for a second before engaging. Remember “count to 10” from grade school? Yep, that still works!
• Whispering: As far as getting my girls to listen, I’d say this works 50% of the time. But, for me, it’s a great way to be intentional about my communication with them and remind myself not to yell. (Yes, I still slip up sometimes; I am a work in progress FOR SURE!)
• Offer An Alternative: For us, a lot of behavioral issues occur when my kids are bored. I, of course, correct the behavior, but I find that I get the best results when I also offer up an alternative. I want my two year old to stop jumping on the couch, but what can she do instead? I’ll either suggest an activity we can do together or direct her to their playroom where she can do all the jumping she wants. (We call the girls’ playroom their “yes space”; here’s a great article on what that means and why it works).

If you’re new to the idea of disciplining your toddler or older child without hitting or yelling, check out my latest post on the five most common conscious parenting beginner mistakes, and how to fix them.

How Do You Fix A Relationship With A Child After Yelling Or Hitting?

If you’ve read this far, it probably sounds like the hubs and I are model parents who have it together at all times with perfect children who rarely have any issues. Here’s where I tell you, that couldn’t be further from the truth! Conscious parenting is an ongoing journey, ya’ll! We make mistakes with our parenting all the time and we’re constantly learning and adjusting the way we parent our kids. We do slip up and yell, definitely more often then I’d like.

So what happens after the yelling? CONNECTION. Sensing a theme here? With my four year old, I apologize for yelling and we talk about better ways to handle a situation when we get really frustrated. Remember what I said earlier about modeling behavior? Kids don’t just come into this world with skills like conflict resolution and self-regulation. So, I look at those slip-ups as perfect opportunities to set an example of what NOT TO DO and how to resolve the situation when you make a mistake.

Conscious Parenting Books, Podcasts & Other Resources

If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for reading! Your journey may look different, but for us, conscious parenting was really the key to disciplining our toddlers without hitting and yelling and building positive relationships with them. If you’d like to know more about conscious parenting, check out some of my favorite resources below.

Parenting For Liberation: A Guide For Raising Black Children, by Trina Greene Brown

The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children, by Dr. Shefali Tsabari

Ages And Stages: A Parent’s Guide To Normal Childhood Development, by Charles E. Schaefer

The Whole Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies To Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind, by Daniel J. Siegel

Conscious Parenting For The Culture (Facebook community; make sure to check out the units section for quick, bite-sized tips to help you along your conscious parenting journey)

Parenting Decolonized podcast

Parenting For Liberation podcast

Conscious Parenting Time website

If you want EVEN MORE resources on how to discipline your toddler without hitting or yelling and conscious parenting in general, make sure to register for the upcoming ‘Rona, Racism & Radical Parenting Conference. The conference is virtual an general admission tickets are FREE! Jan. 15-17, 2021